Cold and broken Hallelujah

You gave me a gift

So I pass it along

A kind of cold and broken hallelujah 

When I dropped to the linoleum floor in a sweat 

Nothing made any sense

What’s it called? I pleaded 

Unconditional Love

She rubbed my back

His hand on my thigh smile eyed in his favorite white floral

So this is what I give to you

I watch as your body shakes

And your whimper whispers

And your tears drain

I watch you and I see myself 3 years prior

What’s happening you cry out

Your growing 

Why is it so hard you ask

To feel worthy

I think that’s god working 

He realizes looking up with wet wide eyes,

And now you’re giving it to me?

Isn’t that what Love does

Passes through in content and transforms molecules

I rub his back 

His hand rests on my thigh 

God is working 

It’s not gold and rainbows

But a cold and broken hallelujah 

And the world out there

What do we do about that? a different he sinks in desperation while biting his nails 

Same formula

Heart sponge

Heart break

Heart open

Heart wisdom

Rinse and repeat 

Lay your hand on another as their brokenness shape shifts and worthiness comes to surface 

Everything we learn in this class increases my anxiety, I don’t how to be anymore, her fingers still red from hair dye, the one thing she feels she can control at 19

It’s so scary to see clearly

Even scarier to fall asleep blindly 

It’s living heart broken open daily 

imminent change will overthrow you

get down on your knees to greet it

and when something isn’t ethical, your belly knows 

stand on two feet with the stamina of a Mother that says no 

Unconditional Love maintains accountability 

this isn’t, never was, never will be - easy 

Growing up as a partner, public, planet is perhaps the greatest pilgrimage 

“It’s not some pilgrim who claims to have seen the Light

No, it’s a cold and it’s a very broken Hallelujah” - Leonard Cohen