Feminism is not (I am coming to know, at least for me anyways)…
Feminism is not (I am coming to know, at least for me anyways…
Always splitting the bill evenly.
Proving I can do anything alone.
Withholding a genuine respectful compliment to a woman and then saying well I didn’t wanna get sued or have a harassment report, men can’t say anything these days. Don’t misinterpret the legitimacy of sexual violence, assault, harassment, rape, and capitalist incentivized misogyny. Don’t belittle the fear and then punish us by not being kind and complimentary.
Feminism is not..
Responding to dismantle patriarchy as a cis male by painting your nails, putting on fish nets, revealing your belly button in a crop top and getting your photo with AOC. These are great things. Go for it. I love AOC. But if this is your first answer to shifting patriarchal mindsets, ask again. They are cute trendy hashtags. The work is internal and in relationship.
Calling a date just hanging out.
Leaning on polyamory as a progressive stance for your insecurity or curiosity or uncertainty. Those are all normal fine things to experience as is polyamory and there are countless safe and consensual places/ways to experience them but don’t make it political, or get righteous about it, call it what it is. I am not a feminist by caring less about one man and sleeping with another.
Staying stuck in anger, using cruel sarcasm or making threatening ultimatums to men in my life because I was emotionally neglected by the most important one.
Being violent with a man I love dearly because I want to prove I have the upper hand, literally. Because I am a Woman and I will not wait for a man. Because of the weight of disappointment and the fear of abandonment.
Feminism is not…
Bringing the system into my bed. I have been taken advantage of in non-consenting ways in my own sheets. And each time a sexual assault case surfaces in the news from the depths of another women’s agony, Carrie’s Mr.Big from my beloved SATC being the most recent, my rage becomes a form of ancient contraception. How is that women use to drink lead to rid themselves of a baby? How is that abortion is still an obsessive debate? When it comes to the matter of rape, I will no longer put the weight of that injustice onto the one man’s shoulders whom I know is capable of holding me. I want you to know, I bought new sheets. I am learning to make my bed again without this narrative stealing my sleep.
Hating men because of the power some abuse and the economy that supports an unjust outdated ideology.
Proving I don’t need a man. The truth is some men balance me. Think differently than me. And I do need it. Want it. Cherish this complimentary opposite.
I am not a feminist by resisting marriage or kids. The picture patriarchy wanted me to throw away because then it still wins. We stay angry and aloof and unsatisfied. Maybe you want to be single and not raise temper tantrums. That’s great. But I know part of my thinking was because I wanted desperately to not fall into gendered roles that reinforce a women doing the domestic and emotional labor. It does not mean I don’t want a healthy reciprocal marriage where we catch each other’s eyes across the chaos of raising children, toys littered everywhere, dishes unwashed, and we laugh uncontrollably and after the work is done for the day we leave a sign on our bedroom door knob that says Do Not Disturb Mommy and Daddy.